Sunday, January 06, 2013

Okay here comes part one:
Let's get started, this is the beginning of my "opus". Free time is a relative term that's dictated by your actual age, which in my case, is 19 going on 61!

I've had time lately to reflect on my past life experiences with my new best friend, the voice in my head. Actually that statements wrong. That voice in my head seems to be my only friend lately, constantly talking to me in ways that I don't always appreciate. Uh-oh, here we go with stream of consciousness starting now. Most of these reflections seem to be predominantly negative. Events that had been negative, either by my inability to respond properly to life's situations or overthinking them and making mistakes.

This reflection has been brought on mainly by negative things happening in my life over the last few years, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my frame of mind isn't the best to reflect now. It's not as though I'm not depressed because I am. And depression is a very funny thing, and I don't mean funny ha ha. Permeates every thing you do every minute of the day. The burden of sharing this with people that are my friends is exactly that a burden. One can't be sure of their willingness to help you lift that load or of their actual ability to do so.

This short paragraph is for people who don't actually know me at all. This depression has been building for many years and just kept increasing from level to level to level with life. My life. It's been almost 4 years since the loss of a woman that was not only my wife, but my tether to sanity. More on that later, because the deterioration of my health is a daily pressing issue to boot. More on that later too.

I've always said that I wanted to treat people like I would want to be treated which basically means don't piss on my head I will not piss on yours. As I think back it looks like I was full of piss and spread it around indiscriminately. It seems this started as my life began heading into what direction I didn't expect. Failure at numerous endeavors helped avert my path and gave me tunnel vision. All I started seeing was escape from reality because my reality was very fucking unattractive. Spending years and years and years numbing myself with what ever was available became the norm.

Okay enough for now, more to come later. Check back for future missives for some laughs because this narrative won't always be this much of a bummer. Honest!!

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